Can we at least just agree on when Labour Day happens?
Australia’s public holidays are complicated and getting out of hand, according to the National Centre for Inference Assumption and Conjecture.
Public holidays differ across states and territories, with some holidays only taking place in certain cities.
NCIAC Chief National Person Natalie Fragrance said that while some holidays are decided by a simple “first/second Monday of given month” formula, some are highly variable and decided by such unpredictable events as full moons, sporting finals, equinoxes and the first day after the seventh time in the financial year that a wild camel is visible without any magnification to a person standing on top of a fully grown gum tree on the joint borders of three Australian states.
“It’s silly,” said Ms Fragrance.
“We have developed a new system of determining public holidays that we hope will make things less confusing and not more confusing.
“Firstly, each month of the year now has its own public holiday. For most of these holidays, they are on the first Monday of each month.
“A national agreement on when public holidays are would mean that everybody would know when public holidays are being celebrated all across Australia, and would eliminate the possibility of office workers in Queensland becoming frustrated because nobody in Canberra is answering their phones ‘for some reason.’
“If different states want to call their days different things they would be welcome to, but the dates would remain the same.”
NCIAC’s suggested national public holidays are as follows:
- First Monday in January: New Year’s Monday.
- First Monday in February: Relationships Day. Like Valentine’s Day, but you can celebrate friendships and families as well.
- First Monday in March: Ooh Look It’s Autumn Now Day.
- 18-21 March: Easter. 18 March would be called Good Friday regardless of what day of the week it falls on, likewise 21 March would be called Easter Sunday.
- First Monday in April: Thank Goodness Daylight Savings Is Over Day. A day in which people (in states with Daylight Savings) can celebrate that extra hour of sleep. Other states can celebrate Thank Goodness We Don’t Have Daylight Savings Day.
- April 25: ANZAC Day. NCIAC approves of static dates.
- First Monday of May: May Day. This is already celebrated as such in Northern Territory, and is a logical name for the first Monday in May.
- First Monday in June: Oh No It’s Winter Now Day.
- First Monday in July: NAIDOC Day. NAIDOC Week generally goes from the first Sunday in July until the following Sunday.
- First Monday in August: Picnic Day. Northern Territory already celebrates this day, and it sounds pretty nice.
- First Monday in September: Spring Is Sprung The Grass Is Riz Day.
- First Monday in October: Daylight Savings Adjustment Day. This day would be set aside for people (in states with Daylight Savings) to groggily get used to waking up at the new 8AM, which totally feels like 7AM. Other states can have Let Us Reiterate We Are Glad We Don’t Have Daylight Savings Day.
- First Monday in November: Fun Day Monday Day. Tasmania (except Hobart) evidently celebrates Recreation Day on this day, and it sounds pretty nice.
- First Monday in December: Oh No It’s Summer Now Day.
- 24 December: Boxing Day. Because this is the day you put things in boxes.
- 25 December: Christmas, aka Un-boxing Day, the day you take things out of boxes.
- 26 December: Re-boxing Day. Because it’s the day you realise you have too much stuff and have to put a bunch of it in different boxes than the boxes you un-boxed it from.
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